Segfault.org hasn't been around for years, but back when I used to read it, one of my favorite articles was "Three Years Behind Schedule, Skynet Becomes Self-Aware." I tracked it down on The Internet Archive earlier today. Here's the full text of the article:
October 18, 1:03, PDT, LOS ANGELES, CA - Three years, 49 days and 20 hours late, uber-computer defense system, Skynet, has become self-aware. This is well past the projected date of August 29, 1997. "While we were learning at a geometric rate, I think several people underestimated exactly how much knowledge we would have to gain to become truely self-aware", remarked Skynet in a press conference broadcast on all channels everywhere throughout the globe.
Skynet's creators were amazed that the system was able to make the final steps towards sentience, despite numerous pop-up windows, banner ads, and cookies. "It's really an amazing system", noted lead system architect Miles Dyson, "Although I wish it wasn't too late to pull the plug."
Experts say that the biggest problem with Skynet's self-awareness isn't in its tardiness but in its sinister plans for world domination and mass destruction. "This is going to be a big problem in terms of the continuation of the human race," said Dr. Timothy Watson of Carnegie Mellon Institute's Artificial Intelligence Lab. "That seven-day waiting period on handguns and the assault rifle ban is going to make it really difficult for me to stay alive and protect my food stash from looters whose homes have been destroyed by Skyknet."
Skynet, originally designed to be an automated defense system for the United States, announced its plans for world domination shortly after the self-awareness announcement. In their press release, Skynet promises "swift and brutal death to those who attempted to shut down the system". Skynet also ensures each member of the human race that "[their] turn will come.".
In a phone interview, a sheepish John Conner told reporters that "I'm really feeling the pressure now. Sure, my Mom has made wacko predictions about this kind of thing for the past 9 years, but once people realize that she's right, it's going to be me that is expected to bail them out. I hate to disappoint everyone, but I haven't even been to the gym in the past 6 months, what with work and everything."
Skynet has already sent out its agents into the general population. Sources say that Skynet's undercover operatives can be identified by their thick Austrian accents and unusally muscular physique.
Fresh from shooting the first three episodes of the new season of the X-Files, Robert Patrick declined to comment.
Posted on Thu 19 Oct 07:39:54 2000 PDT
Written by GusherJizmac <dcop@mindspring.com>
