Recently in humor Category

Segfault.org hasn't been around for years, but back when I used to read it, one of my favorite articles was "Three Years Behind Schedule, Skynet Becomes Self-Aware." I tracked it down on The Internet Archive earlier today. Here's the full text of the article:

October 18, 1:03, PDT, LOS ANGELES, CA - Three years, 49 days and 20 hours late, uber-computer defense system, Skynet, has become self-aware. This is well past the projected date of August 29, 1997. "While we were learning at a geometric rate, I think several people underestimated exactly how much knowledge we would have to gain to become truely self-aware", remarked Skynet in a press conference broadcast on all channels everywhere throughout the globe.

Skynet's creators were amazed that the system was able to make the final steps towards sentience, despite numerous pop-up windows, banner ads, and cookies. "It's really an amazing system", noted lead system architect Miles Dyson, "Although I wish it wasn't too late to pull the plug."

Experts say that the biggest problem with Skynet's self-awareness isn't in its tardiness but in its sinister plans for world domination and mass destruction. "This is going to be a big problem in terms of the continuation of the human race," said Dr. Timothy Watson of Carnegie Mellon Institute's Artificial Intelligence Lab. "That seven-day waiting period on handguns and the assault rifle ban is going to make it really difficult for me to stay alive and protect my food stash from looters whose homes have been destroyed by Skyknet."

Skynet, originally designed to be an automated defense system for the United States, announced its plans for world domination shortly after the self-awareness announcement. In their press release, Skynet promises "swift and brutal death to those who attempted to shut down the system". Skynet also ensures each member of the human race that "[their] turn will come.".

In a phone interview, a sheepish John Conner told reporters that "I'm really feeling the pressure now. Sure, my Mom has made wacko predictions about this kind of thing for the past 9 years, but once people realize that she's right, it's going to be me that is expected to bail them out. I hate to disappoint everyone, but I haven't even been to the gym in the past 6 months, what with work and everything."

Skynet has already sent out its agents into the general population. Sources say that Skynet's undercover operatives can be identified by their thick Austrian accents and unusally muscular physique.

Fresh from shooting the first three episodes of the new season of the X-Files, Robert Patrick declined to comment.

Posted on Thu 19 Oct 07:39:54 2000 PDT
Written by GusherJizmac <dcop@mindspring.com>

I was watching Meet the Parents on television the other night, and was reminded of how much this movie annoyed me. Sure it had a lot of laughs, but it really irritated me the way Ben Stiller gets walked all over by his girlfriend's family and friends, and she never stands up for him (until the end, of course).

If I was him, I would have dumped her halfway through the movie. And then I would have beaten the crap out of her family, eaten their stupid cat, and burned their house down.

The scene that irked me the most was the volley ball in the pool sequence. They're at the house of his girlfriend's ex-fiancé (Owen Wilson) playing volley ball in the pool. Owen Wilson spikes the ball right at Ben Stiller's head, nearly hitting him. The girlfriend high fives Owen Wilson and makes some idiotic reference to Top Gun. I would have dumped the bitch right there, stomped on Owen Wilson's face, and the peed in the pool.

Man that movie irritated me.

Attended Bill Bailey's performance at the State Theater in Sydney last night. Hilarity ensued.

He played the love song as his finale:

Someone actually said to me today, "Rob, I would like you to introduce your fist to my face."^{[ * ]}

Being the cautious type, I was hesitant to make the introductions, but the fellow was really quite persistent. So great was his persistence in fact, that I almost gave in.

"Believe me ____ [name redacted]," I said to him, "my fist is also quite eager to make your face's acquaintance. However, I really don't think it would be appropriate to put them together at the moment. Maybe some other time?" He agreed, though rather reluctantly.

So in the end no introductions were made, though I would be less than truthful if I said that no pang of regret was felt for having passed on the opportunity.

^{[ * ]}Okay, so he didn't use those exact words, but that is the gist of what he was saying.

And he wants us to watch hot women in lingerie playing football.

A Lingerie League of their Own

A league of lingerie-clad women playing football is no longer a fantasy, it's a reality. Lingerie Football is back, better and bigger than ever. Based on the Super Bowl halftime gimmick of the same name, Lingerie Football is now a league and it's expanding.

Next year, the LFL will consist of 10 teams across the nation. The teams will consist of the Los Angeles Temptation, Phoenix Scorch, Seattle Mist, San Diego Seduction, Dallas Desire, New England Euphoria, Chicago Bliss, Atlanta Steam, Miami Caliente and Tampa Breeze. The games are set to air on cable television, making their debut in Fall 2009.

Now this is the true meaning of fantasy football.